Question:
Hello teacher, I may say something a bit like Versailles. In the eyes of others, my life has been smooth sailing:
I have had good grades since I was a child, and I passed the entrance examination in high school. After graduating from a prestigious university, I also had a very respectable job, a car and a house, and everything I needed.
I met my current girlfriend when I was about to get married. We are a good match. If nothing else happens, we might get married.
But I am not happy at all now, not happy at all. Although she did nothing, I just don’t feel comfortable.
Actually, I also tried to look beyond our relationship, and it didn’t seem that bad. Suddenly, I was confused. Am I not suitable for my current girlfriend? I really I don’t want to bring this feeling into my marriage, what should I do?
Answer:
This Hello friend, your situation, to be honest, has nothing to do with your girlfriend, it mainly depends on you.
Why do you say this? Each of us understands the world very subjectively, and our experience of the world is filtered by our own feelings. So what determines this feeling?
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It is our cognitive thinking model.
Let me give you a very simple example. There is a half-glass of water on the table. An optimistic person says, "This glass is half full," but a pessimistic person says, "This glass is half empty." ".
This is a good illustration of a problem. When facing the same situation, different people will have different feelings and understandings, which is due to their different thinking modes.
So what kind of thinking patterns make people unhappy? Because you did not give specific examples in your description, I will list several possibilities for you. You can see how you usually behave in your life. Not so.
The first is a black and white thinking mode.
Children will think that in cartoons, good people are good people, bad people are bad people, and good and bad are absolute.
But adults can’t simply tell the difference between good and bad people. Human nature is complex, and people’s emotions can also change.
If you cannot understand this, you may have been living in a relatively simple environment, your heart has not grown up, and your thinking mode is still stuck in the polarization of black and white.
So you will most likely feel troubled often. If you cannot be perfect, you will think that you are a loser. Once your girlfriend disappoints you, you will feel that he is not suitable. If a friend is selfish, you will feel that this person is not a friend enough. .
This is so unhappy! A black-and-white thinking model will make you overly enthusiastic when dealing with problems and relationships with others.strong.
And this intensity gradually promotes the deterioration of your living and emotional status, eventually forming a vicious cycle.
The second type is that one rarely considers one thing from an overall perspective, but automatically ignores the good parts and only focuses on The bad parts, and let the bad parts continue to torture yourself.
For example, before you and your girlfriend confirmed your relationship, she actually came into contact with two boys at the same time and finally chose you.
But you completely ignored your own excellence and only noticed that she once had dinner with your love rival.
For another example, at work, you and a colleague each made a plan, and the leader adopted your opinion.
You completely ignored that your plan was well done. You only noticed that you were too verbose in a certain place, and a colleague laughed.
In fact, if you look at this matter yourself, you will know that you have done a good job, you are very happy, and your life is fine, but you still can't help but be immersed in the bad parts.
The third kind is to overturn a boat of people with one pole.
Some people will come to a very negative conclusion because of one or several negative experiences. For example, their girlfriend cheated on her, and they think women are all big pigs;
Breaking up I feel that I can never find someone who loves me again, and I can't understand why some people can happily invest in new relationships even after being cheated on and broken up with.
Who will be in a good mood if you regard some negative experiences as your destiny?
Of course life will not be happy. If you actively believe that it is just bad luck or that you need to learn some relationship management strategies, you will not be entangled, you will gain from past experiences, and there will definitely be a turn for the better in the future.
Of course, in addition to this, excessive obsessive-compulsive disorder or defining the world with negative emotions will also have an impact on your life.
If you have more than one such thinking mode, you need to discover it early and consciously make some adjustments. Otherwise, no matter who you are with, your happiness and satisfaction with life will become worse and worse. Low.
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