Everyone has a "desire for control", but some are strong and some are weak. When it comes to relationships, the "desire for control" will inevitably be mentioned. If the desire to control is too strong in the relationship, it will easily make the other half uneasy and hurt the relationship. So how do you change a person who has a strong desire to control in a relationship?
First, let’s understand the types of people who have a strong desire to control in a relationship.
1. Why do people have a strong desire to control in relationships?
1. Have been hurt in relationships
The first type is people who have been hurt in relationships. They dare not let their future partners see their vulnerability, and want to always be the strong one in the relationship.
I have a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him, which caused him to not get out of that shadow for a long time. The girlfriend he found after that was also well-behaved and very dependent on him.
And he also enjoyed this feeling of being relied on, so he asked the girl to quit her job and focus on taking care of the family. He thought that as long as he did not cheat and took good care of the other person, there would be no problems in this relationship. .
But when his friend didn’t expect it, his current girlfriend cheated on his college classmate. When he was found out, the other party told him, "Being with you is too depressing. I was wrong to cheat, but I have no regrets."
When my friend told me about it, I discovered that in this relationship, his relationship with his girlfriend was not a normal relationship.
It is a relationship between being in captivity and being in captivity. Friends keep each other like pets. They never tell her about their emotional experiences and troubles, and they never care about and pay attention to her feelings. .
2. Influenced by the original family
The second type is the influence brought by the original family, because Parental control allows you to regard control as an expression of love.
You will have very high requirements for your partner. He must remember your birthday, must be motivated, must have a successful career before the age of 30, and must be famous by the age of 40.
Once the other person doesn’t like you at all, you will threaten to break up with him or her.
You think it’s for the other person’s good that you have high demands, because that’s what your parents ask of you.
When you were a child, the most common sentence you heard was: "If you don't do well in the exam, we won't want you."
As a result, when you grow up, you will feel that this kind of control is the expression of loving the other person.
3. Incompetence in love
The third situation is a manifestation of incompetence in love, and one will regard a specific thing as the only criterion for loving the other person.
Many friends I have contacted would complain to me after a breakup, "I am obviously so good to him, I spend money and buy gifts for him, why is he still not satisfied?".
Many people are like this. They regard money or material things as the standard for measuring relationships, and they are rigid and rude. But you can't tell your true feelings.
If the other person doesn't love you, then the relationship between you is a nurturing relationship, and it can last longer if you rely on money. If he loves you, he wants you. If there is a true emotional reaction, then this intimate relationship will inevitably break down.
2. How to change the strong desire to control in the relationship< /h2>
If you want to get out of control and enter a normal and healthy intimate relationship, you must learn to show your vulnerability to your partner.
Learning to show weakness will stop you from being in a state of tension all the time. , you can tell the other person the pain of your family of origin, the emotional trauma you have suffered in the past, and all your "imperfections"
You can make mistakes, you can not be good, you can cry, or even not. When hurting the other person, vent your negative emotions.
Self-exposure is the process of letting the other person get to know you quickly. It is also the first step for you to let go of your defenses.
Secondly. , put aside all your own thoughts and listen to the other person's needs. Love requires you to polish off some of your edges and change some of your thoughts.
While adhering to principles, you must also know how to seek common ground while reserving differences, even in situations where you are in love. Don't be afraid of getting hurt during this process, because only by establishing a comfortable and safe environment for getting along can your relationship be qualitatively changed.
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